(RNN) - Another college football season has snuck up on The Line King like that bad rash he picked up at Cash's Faux Pas many years ago – and another storm is raging in the Gulf. Nevertheless, our old editor friend Skeeter Brown called and asked The Line King to apply his forecasting wisdom to paper – or in this case the internet.
The one caveat was that The Line King focus primarily on the $EC – college football's version of East German Olympic Swim teams – and possibly other "games of interest," whatever that means. Quite frankly, offering opinions on $EC games is like weighing in on the upcoming Presidential election – everyone has made up their minds by now. So please no emails or threats or opinions; The Line King has no interest in the opinions of biased fans. Just focus on making sure your whole body is covered in paint or that your team spirit tattoo is located where the boss can't see it.
Leave the handicapping to an unbiased expert like The Line King.
Finally, The Line King usually rides the coat tail of some obscure Mountain West team all season, so he might throw in a wildcard here and there.
All times are Eastern.
Thursday, Aug. 30
South Carolina (-7) at Vanderbilt, 7 p.m., ESPN
This game is like that Belarus-Serbia team handball match you watched during the Summer Olympics – because it was the only live sporting event on at 3 a.m. SoCar seems to be a sexy pick this year, among SoCar fans. And poor Vandy seems to always find ways to disappoint its fan (singular). And don't think being a home-dog will motivate Vandy (check the record). And how is this: the Tennessee Titans' last preseason game across town versus the Saints will probably draw more attention than this one. The Line King sees Spurrier throwing his visor several times early, but SoCar figures a way to cover the 7 points.
Texas A&M (-7.5) vs. Louisiana Tech, 7:30 p.m.., ESPNU
So Texas A&M spent the last century in the shadow of UT, now the Aggies move to the Death Star AND open this season on the road in Shreveport. That makes perfect sense ... said no one ever. A&M does, however, have one of the best bands in the land. The Line King also thinks it has one of the best young coaches in the country – first-year boss Kevin Sumlin. I give him a year before his team overtakes LSU (yes, you heard it here first) and five offensive plays before overtaking Old Mississippi. HOWEVER, LaTech returns a boatload of talent and will cover.
Friday, Aug. 31
Tennessee (-4) vs. NC State, 7:30 p.m., ESPNU
Good Ol' Rocky Top dropped to Old Mississippi State levels last season – losing to Kentucky in its final game. Although UT is another sexy pick this year, mainly amongst people dressed in orange pants, NoCarSt ended the season on a high note - including a convincing win over No. 7 Clemson. Speaking of orange, the Wolfpack is odd man out in this weekend's Doubleheader In The ATL – although they match Chick-fil-A's color scheme and North Carolina voted against gay marriage … hmmm, sounds like a conspiracy - the Pack wins outright.
Saturday, Sept. 1
Troy (-6) at UAB, 12 p.m., PPV
OK, here is one of those extra games that nobody cares about. A frenzied crowd of nearly 6,500 packs Legion Field to welcome in the Garrick McGee era. Troy hasn't had back-to-back losing seasons in about forever. UA's B team has had back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back losing seasons and Legion Field is college football's version of The Bone Yard. Troy covers easily but those who dare venture into this stadium at high noon will feel exactly like an apple pie before the end of the third quarter.
Buffalo at Georgia (-37.5), 12:21 p.m., SEC Network
12:21 p.m. kick-off. 12:23 p.m. First call for Marc Richt's head because he isn't named Vince. 12:25 p.m. fans boo Richt for taking off his headset. Dawgs cover the 37.5 and frenzied fans cover Richt's lawn with "For Sale" signs later that night.
Bowling Green at Florida (-29), 3:30 p.m., ESPN
The over/under for heat index at kick-off time will be 300 degrees. Bowling Green will have melted by 4 p.m. Gators cover by end of first half.
Clemson (-3) vs. Auburn, 7 p.m., ESPN. This game reminds The Line King of the old Iran-Iraq War, you just don't know who you want to win. Dabo Sweeny finds a way to lose this game and the Barn faithful will declare it the Miracle Game of the Decade – eclipsing last year's upset win over Utah State. I'll take Barn, but will have to shower afterwards. FYI: Don't look at the screen too closely for fear of some sort of Andromeda Strain effect, lots and lots of orange.
North Texas at LSU (-43), 7 p.m., ESPNU
The ol' Agriculture and Mechanical College throws more money at their football team than the Albanians do at their defense budget. But 43 is a lot of points. Dan McCarney has one decent year under his belt and a new stadium to recruit with - NT scores at least 10 points and covers - sorry Tiger fans, but the so-called "Death Valley" is somewhat over-rated when it comes to winning by the projected amount (look it up).
Jacksonville State at Arkansas, 7 p.m., PPV
Every year, The Line King has to remind himself that Arkansas is part of the $EC. And isn't Jacksonville State Division II or something?
Central Arkansas at Ole Miss, 7 p.m., PPV
One only has to point out Old Mississippi to refute any claim that the $EC is better than the NFL. The Hugh Freeze Era begins and Old Mississippi fans make their reservations for Shreveport in December - of 2014.
Jackson State at Mississippi State, 7 p.m., Fox Sports Net
Why would anyone actually watch this game?
Southeastern Louisiana at Missouri, 7 p.m., PPV
If it has taken The Line King this long to recognize Arkansas and South Carolina as $EC schools, how long will it take him to recognize ol' Mizzou? And seriously, who shells out $25 to watch this mess?
Michigan vs. Alabama (-12.5), 8 p.m., ABC
$EC Death Star has cast its sights on the DFW Metroplex, so a game in Cowboys Stadium makes perfect sense. I love these games because one team is automatically eliminated from National Championship contender talk before we hit Sept. 2. Now Michigan probably wouldn't figure in that equation anyway, but what if…? Here's a dirty little secret, Rich Rodriguez got fired because he was 15-26 ATS, not because he couldn't beat Ohio State. Brady Hoke turned that ship around last season. The Maize and Blue have one of the most explosive QBs in the country and have 7 starters returning on defense. The "what if" part doesn't happen, but the 12.5 is skewed because of all the lunatics that wager on Bammer, and it's not like Bammer is going to score 50 points – remember Michigan isn't Old Mississippi.
Sunday, Sept. 2
Kentucky at Louisville (-14), 3:30 p.m., ESPN
It must be tough being a Cats football fan. First of all, outside of Old Mississippi, when has an $EC team ever been a 14 point non-conference underdog? Second, a trip to the Music City Bowl is considered a "reward". And thank goodness for Old Mississippi otherwise Kentucky would be the Conference pariah. Although Louisville returns a ton of starters, I'll take UK and 14. This game actually might be the most entertaining game of the week.
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